I can’t seem to get it together today. I hate days like this. I want to be productive. I have to be productive. There are so many things that need to get done, and I am the only one here to do them; plus, the perfectionist in me wouldn’t allow anyone else to do it anyway. I have friends coming this weekend and the house is a wreck, Christmas decorating is not finished and the decorations are strewn everywhere. I still need to finish several projects for people that I promised would be done this week. I was supposed to work this morning and didn’t. My funds are very low, and I cannot afford to not work. So what did I do instead? Cried for hours. Felt sorry for myself. Begged for my husband to come back from the dead. Ate more than was normal. Watched a few episodes of a series hoping it would empower me to help myself. Wished that money would fall from the sky and then it wouldn’t be so bad on days like this when I can’t work.
And did any of that help? Not really. Just made we waste a half a day that I don’t have to waste. I am still a widow, still fat, still broke, still need to clean the house and finish those projects! The only real positive of this depressing, useless morning was that I did cry. I did more than that. I wailed. I need to wail sometimes. Sometimes I can’t fake another minute and my grief has to escape! Then my dog whines at me. I don’t know if she is doing it to comfort me, to distract me or simply to tell me to shut up, but thanks to her I get off my butt, take her outside to play some ball and decide I need to write. Get some of this off my chest.
I discovered a while ago that writing is my therapy. Once it is on paper or the screen, I can breathe a little easier. The depression isn’t gone. It is just abated for the time being, but I have then purchased myself a window of productivity. I never know how long it will be opened, but I know I have to take advantage of it before it closes.
Depression won for a little while today, but I am going to make a second-half comeback!